i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
