My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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