I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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