I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
