The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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