I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
