God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
