can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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