I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
