guys are not supposed to queef...right?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
