I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
