Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
