Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
