if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
