i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
