I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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