Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
