The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
