I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
