After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
