even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
