I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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