It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
