I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
