i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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