I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
