I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
either way he was missing a nipple.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
