He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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