saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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