Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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