So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
