He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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