Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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