i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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