I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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