HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
