i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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