She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
