If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
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I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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