I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
