I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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