rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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