my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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