You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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