my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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