Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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