im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
