three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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