My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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