fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We are two peas in an std pod
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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