I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
