oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
