Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You don't make any sense
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