sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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