i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
