Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
