Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
