You can't motorboat a personality
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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