There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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