I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
